When Final Fantasy 7 attacks!
by BNVshark
Summary: What happens when Final Fantasy characters go crazy?
1. Chapter 1

(Zidane)

La, la, la" Zidane sang as he skipped down the hallway of the Prima Vista.

He soon walked into the dark store room in the ship.

"Sure is dark!" Zidane said to himself.

"Yes… yes it is!" A strange, eerie voice answered from the darkness.

"Who's that?" Zidane said, grabbing a nearby candle and holding it to his face.

"It's me… Cloud!" A blonde, spiky haired man said as he walked into the light.

"Hey… you shouldn't be in this game you belong in part 7" Zidane angrily pointed out.

"No…I belong in the spotlight. I am almighty!" Cloud blurted, laughed evilly afterward.

"No… But this is my game!" Zidane pouted.

"Not anymore!" Cloud yelled, he took outout his sword and slashed Zidane.

"AH!"

"Phase one of our plan is complete!" Cloud said as he talked into a phone. "Soon we will rule the Final Fantasy world. Mwa, ha, ha, ha!"

* * *

(Vivi)

"I'm sorry but this ticket's fake," A doglike ticket master said from behind a glass window in Alexandria Square.

"No," Vivi yelled in anguish. "I came all the way over here for nothing!"

"Sorry," The ticket master said, trying to comfort the Black Mage. "Don't cry here have these cards." The dog man slid three cards underneath the window, which Vivi eagerly took.

"What," Vivi yelled as he eyed the Tetra Master cards that were given to him. "These look like crap! It's bended and," He held up another card. "It looks like you spat on it!" His usual calm expression changed into one of anger. "Give me a real ticket or, or I'm gonna' rob you!"

"Uh… guards!" The man yelled. He pressed a large red button on his desk, soon, several female Knights ran in, surrounding Vivi and causing most of the male bystanders to develop nosebleeds.

"No! Don't hurt me!" Vivi yelled running into a dark alley.

Once the Knights were out of sight, he sat down onto the cobblestone streets. He thought he was safe until he heard a voice.

"Obsession!"

"Who's there" Vivi said nervously.

"I'm Aeris the flower girl, and I'm going to take your role in this game." A women with a horribly disfigured face said walking into the open.

"Bu…but you can't do th…that" Vivi nervously yelled.

"Come here" She held out her arms and walked towards him.

"No," Vivi tried to run away but was blocked by a clone of Aeris.

"Want to buy some flowers." The clone's face seemed to be locked in a smile, her rotten, cracked teeth shown to the whole world, her arm was held out, her fist clenched around a bouquet of withered Tulips. "What to buy some flowers, they're only one Gil, want to by some flowers, they're only one Gil." The clone kept repeating her phrase as she slowly began walking towards Vivi.

He looked back, the real Aeris was standing there evilly, taking her battle rod out. It was no use, Vivi had to either buy one of the clone's flowers or risk dying. He decided he'd rather die and walked towards the real Aeris.

"Take this," She yelled as she whacked Vivi on the head, knocking him out. "Ha,ha,ha! Phase two complete! And the best news is that I'm not going to die in this game. Ha, ha, ha!"

* * *

(Steiner)

"Pluto Knights… assemble!" Steiner yelled, standing on a platform high above the ground..

Two soldiers appeared in full armor and saluted their captain.

"There's only two of you where are the other six?" Steiner yelled.

"Knight IV ran away to become a writer, Knight V is taking a walk, Knight VI is exercising, Knight VII eloped with one of the Alexandrian Soldiers, Knight VIII is reading a Kingdom Hearts manga, and Knight IX is watching the performance." The short soldier answered.

"And you didn't stop them?" Steiner began to jump up and down, making a strange 'clank' sound every time his feet touched the ground. "Really, every time someone starts the game over you nitwits are always goofing off."

"Sorry!" The other soldier yelled.

"I have to go to the tower to trigger that FMV!" He yelled as he walked off to the dungeon tower.

As soon as he began to walk up the stairs of the tower he thought he heard the sound of a gun being loaded.

"What is that," he yelled. "No matter I must persevere!" He yelled again, sweating and panting.

"**** **** **** **** ************!" he heard a deep voice yell.

"What! Come out brigand, this is not part of the game's script!"

"I know" A big dark man yelled as he pointed a gun into his arm "Take this you ************!" The man fired his gun which was attached to his arm.

No!" Steiner yelled falling to the ground in pain.

The man pulled out a cell phone from his pocket. "Cloud…It's me Barret. I took care of the man. Phase three is complete! Ha, ha, ha. Soon we will all be the most famous people in Gaia!"

* * *

**Before anyone asks, when Aeris' clone asks Vivi if he wants to by flowers there isn't a question mark at the end of her sentence because she isn't really asking you to by flowers, she's telling you!**


	2. Chapter 2

**So… here's chapter 2. Oh and I want to say thank you to the guy that flamed me in the first chapter. Oh and just so you all know, the FF9 people WILL win.**

* * *

(Dagger)

Dagger sat in her room, combing her hair in front of a large expensive mirror. "Mirror, mirror on the wall, tell me who is the fairest of them all."

The mirror then showed the ugliest person in the world… Queen Branhe.

"Ew, it's my mother!" Dagger jumped onto her bed in shock. "Help, help!"

Beatrix came running into the room. "What is it princess?"

"My mom is in the mirror!" AH!" She yelled as foam began to form in her mouth. "Kill it!"

"No," Beatrix yelled as she pulled out her sword. "I shall handle this… Chimhazard!" Her sword began to glow a bright yellow, she then jumped towards the mirror and slashed her sword, a huge, fiery explosion appeared and smoke covered the room. Beatrix jumped back, a smug look on her face.

However, once the smoke cleared, they could both see that the mirror was still in one piece.

"Kill it, kill it!" Dagger rolled around in her bed.

"Oh no, I forgot." Beatrix smacked her forehead. "Chimhazard brings the enemy down to 1 HP. Boy, how could I be so stupid as to forget that," she laughed to herself.

"Don't worry about that now." Dagger said, her skin turning paler by the minute. "Kill it!"

"Okay, okay, hold one." She pulled out an old notebook from her back pocket. "What moves do I know?" She calmly flipped through the pages. "Full-Life, no, Chimhazerd, no, I just used that, Curaga, no, oh, right here!" She pointed her finger to the word 'Attack'. She slapped her forehead again . "How could I forget that one? Dagger you believe it?" She walked over to Dagger who was now lying lifeless at her bed. "I forgot I could use the regular attack command!"

Dagger, who was now dead, obviously stood quiet.

"Well, if you're not even going to answer me then maybe I'll just leave. How about that?" With that, Beatrix left the room, leaving Dagger dead and alone on her bed.

The window on the side of the room opened, a tall woman with big pair of…er… feet walked in.

"Where is she?" Tifa whispered to herself as she jumped inside. She took out embarrassing picture of Dagger during her 15th birthday out of her pocket and examined it. "There she is!" She walked over to the now dead princess and began to poke her. "Sweet, my mission is done."

* * *

(Freya)

"Oh angst, anger, betrayal" Freya sadly said as she walked down the rainy streets of Burmecia. "Fratley will forget me. Oh boo hoo, hoo. Oh despair, to be forgotten is worse than death."

"Is that so," a man said from across the street. The man had a large spear in his hand, and was smoking several cigarettes in his mouth.

"Who are you, why are you here." Freya asked as she got in a battle stance, obviously angry.

"I'm Cid and I'm here to kill you." He answered, he then threw several sticks of dynamite at her in slow motion. Freya dodged the bombs in slow motion by bending backwards. The bombs slowly flew over her and went on to hit, and explode inside a powder keg factory, making an unrealistically huge explosion.

"You, why do you want to kill me" Freya asked. "Why does everyone hate me?" She now began to cry.

"I want to live in your skin" Cid answered as his breathing began to get heavy.

"Wha…" Freya replied, shocked, and strangely, angry again.

"Oh yeah… I want to take your place in this game too." Cid added.

"Oh… well you can take it. Bye!" Freya smiled widely as she jumped up several thousand feet into the air. She squealed, her voice getting quieter and quieter until it disappeared.

"Oh well that was easy!" He said, spitting out his used cigarettes and pulling out another pack. "Ah… Cloud three more to go before we rule this Final Fantasy world. Cough, cough, cough… I really should stop smoking before I die cough ,cough, cough."

* * *

(Quina)

"I love frogs. Frogs very yummy!" Quina yelled as s/he ran across the marshlands, trying his/her best to find frogs.

As s/he was running s/he bumped into what seemed like a large white moogle that had a cat sitting on top of it.

"I'm here to kill you." The cat said.

"You yummy?" Quina asked, as his/her tongue began to ooze saliva.

"No, my name is Cait Sith, I'm going to take your place in this game." Cait said.

"You look yummy. I eat you!" Quina yelled as s/he started to inch himself/herself closer, and closer to the cat/moogle.

"Uh… no I'm not tasty." Cait said back. "I'm all plushy and soft."

"Me no heard of plushy, or soft." Quina said as s/he nodded her head back and forth. "Sound tasty! I eat you instead of frogs." S/he opened her mouth wide, revealing the gaping hole inside of his/her body.

"No! Don't hurt me!" Cait Sith yelled as he ran from the Qu.

"**HUNGRY**!" Quina yelled as s/he chased after the cat.

* * *

(Yuffie and Red XIII)

"So you know the plan?" Yuffie asked Red XIII, the red dog/leopard.

"Yes.,I take Mog's place and you take Eiko's place."

"Yeah, quiet here she comes." Yuffie whispered as she and Red hid behind a tree watching Eiko, the six year old, walk carelessly along the road with her trusty companion, Mog.

"Yuffie," Red whispered. "I'm just thinking aloud here, but after we do this can I hide in your shirt like Mog does with Eiko?"

"Ew, no, get away from me you freak!" Yuffie ran away from the dog/leopard and gave up their hiding spot to Eiko who watched in confusion.

"Whatcha doin'?" Eiko asked Yuffie without a care in the world.

"Oh nothing." Yuffie put an innocent expression up. "Hey, is that Zidane sky diving in a bikini!" Yuffie lied, pointing to the sky.

"Where," The six year old quickly pulled out a camera from her pocket and turned to look. "Hey, I don't see Zidane sky diving!" She angrily turned towards Yuffie who's hands were only a few inches from the young summoner.

"Oh, I must have just imagined it!" Yuffie put up a wide smile.

"Oh, that's all right. I imagine that kind of stuff all the time." With that she started to walk again. Mog resting on top of her head.

"O.M.G!" Yuffie cried, trying to trick Eiko again. "Why are Zidane and Dagger having such hot smex on the road?"

"What," Eiko became extremely angry and pulled out a gun from her (freakishly huge) pocket. "Dagger get ready to-" Before she could finish however, Yuffie grabbed Eiko by her fake, wooden wings.

"Ha, ha, I've got you"

"No!" Eiko yelled. "Mog help"

"Kupo!" he yelled as it jumped off of Eiko's head and began to fly away.

"Red, stop him," Yuffie tried to hold onto the rambunctious kid.

"Oh, I'm sorry." Red walked up to the girl nonchalantly, letting the Moggle float past him. "I just got lost looking into your eyes."

That's chapter 2. REVIEW!


	3. Chapter 3

**Yeah the bit at the end is actually supposed to be serious. Review please!**

* * *

(Admarant)

"Having friends is pointless" Admarant sighed as she sat on a cliff overlooking a dark gloomly castle. "Sigh!"

"I bet that I can sulk more than you." Vincent said as he jumped from the shadows.

"No I'm sulking too much to have a sulk competition with someone." Admarant replied.

"Okay let's sulk together then." Vincent sadly replied.

"Life is pointless."

"Why couldn't I protect Lucrecia, sigh, sulk!"

"I want revenge, sulk"

"Sulk,"

"Sulk."

"Sulk."

"Sulk"

"Hey Vincent why didn't you capture Admarant?" Cloud asked as he walked in.

"We're too busy sulking together…Sulk," Vincent sighed.

"I've changed my mind, let's have a sulking contest." Admarant said.

"Okay" Vincent agreed. "I'll start. Nobody understands me."

"My life is a lie."

"I lost my chance for true love!"

"I want revenge!"

"It's all my fault"

"I want revenge"

"I want to lie in a coffin for the rest of my life!"

"**I want revenge!**"

"Sulk,"

"Sulk."

"Sulk,"

"Sulk,"

"Vincent, now that everything is according to plan we can finally take over this world." Cloud however, was ignored.

"Sulk"

"Okay," he began to get annoyed. "I'll meet you in that dark suspicious floating castle in the distance." He then skipped away, leaving the two emotionly challenged people alone to sluk their lives away.

* * *

(Kuja)

"La, la, la" Kuja hummed as he sat on a purple chair and powdered his face. "I'm so handsome."

The door bell suddenly rang.

"Oh…guests. I need to bring out the crumpets." He skipped away to answer the door. "Hellooooooo!" He opened the door to see Sephiroth.

"I want to kill you." Sephiroth flatly said. "I need to take your part in this game."

"Oh… look at that hair!" Kuja ignored the villan and began to inspect Sephiroth long silver hair. "You know I just can't find hair like that in the beauty store. Can I have it?"

"No!" Sephiroth said. "Now I'm going to kill you."

"But not without crumpets!" Kuja gladly skipped off to his pink and white kitchen and took out a plate of crumpets fresh from the oven. "Do you want some?"

"Yes" Sephiroth said as he took the entire plate and swallowed it down his throat whole. "Can I kill you now?"

"Wait!" He heard a voice yell from outside.

"Oh more guests." Kuja opened the door to see Zack holding his sharpened sword in Kuja's face.

"I'm here to kill you." Zack said.

"No! I was here first!" Sephiroth whined.

"No you cheated."

"There's an easy way to solve this" Kuja yelled getting between the two.

"How,"

"With your momma jokes! Almost instantly Kuja's record play began to play an old 70's style battle tune and all the lights dimmed.

"Your momma's so fat that when she sits around the house she sits** around** the house." Zack yelled.

"Your momma's so dumb that she traded her car for gas money."

"Your momma's so fat that I wasted all of the gas in my car by driving around her."

"Your momma's so fat that because of her, clothes say one size fits most."

"Your momma's so fat that when she goes on a scale the scale says 'Sorry only one person at a time'"

"Your momma's so fat that when she went sky diving everyone yelled 'Oh no a meteor', and I know about meteors." Sephiroth snapped his fingers.

"Your momma's so dumb that she wants to kill herself in a weird cave but she can't because of the Jenova cells in her!"

"What… that was mean!" Sephiroth yelled.

"Oh you lose" Kuja said as he snapped his fingers and watched Sephiroth blow up in flames.

"What about me?" Zack asked.

"This," Kuja began to dance badly, waving his hands around recklessly. "Bad dancing!"

"No…" Zack yelled. "I'm melting!" Zack melted into a puddle onto the ground.

"Well…" Kuja said to himself "I'm gonna look back at this moment and laugh, and laugh, and laugh. Oh… good times!"

* * *

(?)

"Hey Zidane!" He felt a slight nudge on his arm.

"Huh what!" Zidane yelled he looked all around him, he only saw darkness in all directions.

"I love you!" The voice whispered.

"Eiko, is that you? What did you say?" Zidane asked.

"Um… er… olive juice!"

"So… anyone else here. I don't want to spend anymore time with this six year old rapist!"

"I'm here!" He heard Dagger yell.

"I'm here too!" Vivi yelled. "Oh hi Eiko! You seem to have lost some weight, that's nice."

"What… what are you doing… stop touching my stomach! I told you already that I only have eyes for Zidane, and Doctor Tot.

"Ew!" They heard Stiener yell.

"Okay so there's me, Dagger, Vivi, Stiener, and …Eiko!" He scowled as he said her name.

"Ew…" Stiener yelled in discust.

"So… we just need Freya, Quina, and Admarant to save us" Zidane said.

"No… we just need Freya. Hopefully she took her meds today." Dagger replied.

"Hopefully," everyone else asked.

"Well… I got really depressed this morning and I decided to walk to Bermecia. So I went to Freya's house and I drank all of her anti-depressant pills. I figured she wouldn't mind I mean I am the princess of Alexandria!" Dagger explained to the group.

"Oh… pills are bad!" Vivi yelled. "Did you know that prescription drugs kill more than 1,000 people a year?"

"No…" Dagger said.

"And did you know," Zidane added. "That taking that medication is illegal in every state in the country?"

"No…"

"Well princess it's not cool! Teenagers are supposed to be role models for all young girls in the world! Taking pills illegally is bad for you and if little girls and boys see you then they will think that it is alright to do so as well." Steiner said.

"Well okay. I'll stop." Dagger said as she threw away the now empty bottle.

"You know what they say!" Everyone yelled. "Knowledge is power!"

There was a long awkward silence until Vivi said, "wait how did we survive?"

"Isn't it obvious… we all had the ability auto-life on"

"Oh… okay!"


	4. The Epic End

**I can't believe it's been an entire year since I last updated this. Well, I finally did and I revised chapters 1-3 too. So you shoudl read those.**

* * *

Zidane, Dagger, Vivi, Stiener and Eiko have been locked in Alexandria Castle's dungeon for over a year now, and it's time they get set free!

"Do you want to buy some flowers, do you want to buy some flowers." An Aeris clone opened the cell where Zidane and co. were being held. "Do you want to buy some flowers, do you want to buy some flowers." The clone still held the withered tulips it had all the way back from chapter 1 and continued to repeat its phrase. The clone began to walk inside the room cornering the group of people who had been trapped for over a year.

The clone turned it's attention to Dagger and began to walk towards her.

"No, don't let it touch me!" Dagger yelled.

Suddenly, the ghost of Sephiroth appeared and stabbed the Aeris clone with his large sword. "He, he, he, he," it laughed before it disappeared.

"We're free, we're free!" Steiner yelled as he walked out of the musty cell.

"But what are we going to do about those Final Fantasy 7 people," Dagger asked.

"We're not gonna do anything yet, first we're gonna raise some hell!" Zidane yelled, happily.

(Begin exciting montage music)

The group first appeared in front of Alexandria Castle. Once they saw Queen Brahne they began to throw eggs and toilet paper at her, sending her cascading down the balcony and into the moat surrounding the castle. However, Beatrix jumped down from sky and landed in front of the group.

"Chimhazerd!" Her sword began to glow a bright yellow and she slashed at the air in front of the party. They all fell to the ground in pain but they all still had 1 HP left.

"Okay, what moves can I use again?" Before she could pull out her notebook, Dagger began to throw eggs at her, sending her falling to the ground .

"Yeah!" Zidane and his group all exchanged high fives.

* * *

They were now on the hill overlooking the eerie floating castle where the Final Fantasy 7 people were at.

"That's it?" Eiko asked. "That wasn't much of a montage."

The other four looked at her angrily.

"Sulk,"

"Sulk,"

"Life isn't fair."

The group turned to see two skeletons having a conversation with each other. One of them still had a full head of long red hair. They could easily identify him as Admarant.

"Hey Admarant, we were waiting for you to rescue us!" Eiko called. "Why'd you have to be such a 'lazy bones'? Hey do you get the pun, do you, do you, do you?"

"I'm gonna kill you!" Admarant's skeleton said.

"No you can't, you're just a skeleton, and you need muscles to move!"

With that Admarant's skeleton and the one next to it crumbled into a million pieces.

"Now, how do we get to that castle." Zidane asked.

"We'll help you!" Suddenly the cast from the first season of Digimon appeared. "Digivices together." They all put their small electronic devices together and a large rainbow tunnel appeared.

"Thank you!" Zidane said as he jumped in, the rest of his group followed.

They all were floating up high into the air

"Oh, dammit," Zidane yelled.

"What happened!"

"I was trying to make my hair sparkly with my hairspray and it got into my eye! Oh well, at least my eye is pretty now!"

There was a bright flash and the 5 person group was now in a large conference room, Cloud, Tifa, Barret, Aeris, Cid, Yuffie, and Red XIII all sat in a row of chairs.

"So, you've finally decided to come?" Cloud greeted the group.

"We want our world back!"

"Well," Tifa replied. "There's only one way to get it back."

"Musical chairs." Cloud finished for her.

Everyone on Zidane's side gasped.

"Those Final Fantasy 7 people must be serious!" Vivi said to his group. "The game Musical Chairs is only to be played in really serious conditions. I think I pooped my pants." He said nervously.

"We accept!" Eiko called out.

"No, what did you do!" Steiner yelled. "We can never survive through that!"

"Yes we can."

A stage rose up from the ground and on it were 7 chairs.

"Are you ready?" Cloud said.

They all walked on stage, this was going to be the most epic point in their lives for sure. The fate of the Final Fantasy 9 Universe was in their hands.

"Begin,"

A song that seemed to be sung by a children's choir began to play and everyone began to walk around the chairs.

_A,B,C,D,E,F-_

The song stopped, Vivi, Cid, Aeris Dagger, Cloud, Eiko, and Zidane all managed to get a seat, everyone who didn't just pouted and walked off the stage.

The remaining people stood up and three chairs were taken away.

_G,H,I,J,K,L,M,N,O,P-_

The song stopped again, Cid, Zidane, Cloud and Tifa all took a seat. There was only 1 FF9 character left.

"Don't screw up!" Steiner yelled as he saw two more chairs get taken away.

_Q,R,S,T-_

The music stopped early, now, only Cloud and Zidane stayed sitting. The last chair was taken away. This was going to be the last round!

_U,V,W,X,Y,Z_

Zidane quickly ran to the chair, blocking Cloud and winning the game.

"Yeah, FF9 rules!" Dagger yelled as she dumped a gallon of Gatorade onto Zidane.

"No," Cloud yelled as he fell onto his knees. "Because of you, we'll never get more fame or power. All we wanted was another Final Fantasy game!"

"Really," Zidane asked. "They why don't you take over Final Fantasy 8?"

"Yeah, it's entire cast is emo!" Vivi added.

"You know," Cloud said. "You're right! Nobody cares about FF8!"

"Yeah," The FF7 crew all yelled in unison.

So, the Final Fantasy 7 people left the cast of Final Fantasy 9 alone so they could take over Final Fantasy 8, and they all never saw Cait Sith again!

The end!


End file.
